


The Weight of Control

by cryptcrawler



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, My First Work in This Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 17:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15539454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptcrawler/pseuds/cryptcrawler
Summary: Shikamaru is worried about his good friend choji after his mission goes pretty rough. Hes actually super worried. Like extremely concerned. Its probably b/c he has a massive crush on choji but, for now its best to think about other more important things like getting him out alive.Takes place after the events of Sasuke Recovery Team.May or may not get continued in the future





	The Weight of Control

Shikamaru knew that he couldn’t just sit and wait for those doors to open. It wouldn’t do any good for anyone. He was better off visiting his other teammates rather than wasting time sitting on that cold metal bench and watching the medical nin walk in and out from the room he was forbidden from entering. Logically, it all made sense to him. It was better time management to visit Naruto and Kiba; they were already stabilized and itching to leave. He could pay them a visit, prolong their respective escapes from the hospital for a few hours, and ease his mind while he was at it. Neji wouldn’t get visitors for a few more days, most likely, but he had gotten the word that he was stabilized. Everything would be okay --even Choji.  
To be quite honest he knew that Choji would be fine. He kept in contact with the doctors. They had told him when it became certain that his friend would make it out just fine. They told him it would probably be another day before he would be able to take visitors at all. They even promised they would send someone to find him as soon as he was allowed in-- a promise given in the presence of Choji’s own father, and with his approval.   
“I’m sure when he wakes up he would rather see his best friend at his bedside than his father. I know he’ll be okay, I’ll come by when I hear word. No need to rush, but you had better let me know when I can see my boy, you understand?” he had said. Shikamaru had nodded gratefully and assured him that he would be the second person he would see after getting the notice about visitation. In Shikamaru’s mind, this was a testament to the easygoing, trusting, and generous nature of the Akimichi family knowing no bounds. There was no doubt for Choji that he had the love of his family, though. It was with his friends that he was less confident, and his father knew this. It would be better for Choji to see a friend first, and Shikamaru seemed like he needed the welcome sight more than himself.   
For some reason though, even with all this positivity about the procedure, Shikamaru couldn’t shake this horrible feeling. It was completely irrational, and impossible to place. It might be fear, maybe shame, wariness-- who knew what exactly, but whatever it was, it was awful, and he felt like the only way he could get it to go away would be seeing Choji in the flesh, alive and smiling.   
Well, maybe not smiling. The more Shikamaru thought of it, the more he began to think that Choji had no reason at all to be in any sort of a good mood, especially not with him in the room. Lady Tsunade didn’t require that the Akimichi come along, that was all Shikamaru’s doing. He wanted his companion along with him, and he knew Choji would never say no to a mission with his best friend. That wasn’t really the issue, but to let him stay behind with an enemy of that strength all alone? Sure they all said they would risk their lives but none of them expected to get anywhere close. Just because Choji insisted they leave doesn’t mean it was what a best friend should have done--would have done. Honestly, it seemed more likely that going to see Choji would make things worse. Maybe he should try to avoid his friend for a little longer.. but for some reason all of these viable doubts in is head didn’t stop Shikamaru’s impatience to get the call to return to the hospital. This was going to be the longest day of his life. 

\--

His visit with Naruto only lasted so long before Sakura came by and he felt weird for sticking around any longer. He knew Naruto had no chance with her, but as long as he wanted to pretend he did, Shikamaru felt no need to seem like he was in his way. Not to mention the fact that he was the leader of the mission that had just failed to catch their third team member, which made him feel like an extremely unwelcome guest despite Sakura’s kind greeting. This fog over his brain that made it hard to discern the true feelings of the people around him was getting more and more annoying as it went on.   
He left them and had a short visit with Kiba. The boy seemed fine, but he was fawning over a sleeping Akamaru. Kiba seemed tired himself, but not from any of his wounds. Dark circles under his eyes were obvious as he smiled in quiet greeting to his guest.   
“You look like you haven’t slept since we got back, how are ya?” Shikamaru said in a low voice, reading the silent air and trying to avoid waking the dog.   
“Hey… I’ve slept some. Just not enough. I’m doing fine though, promise.” he said with a reassuring smirk. “Akamaru is just a bit more beat up than me. I’ve been told he’s gonna be fine but for some reason I can’t stop myself from being worried. I know it sounds dumb like, I should just chill out and get some rest but what can you do, right?”  
“Nah, it doesn’t sound dumb to me. I’m just glad to see you doing okay.”  
Through the small grin on Shikamaru’s downturned face, Kiba noticed a flicker of an uncharacteristic uncertainty, and furrowed his brow.   
“Hey, what’s with the face? You good?”  
“--Fine, I came to check on you, not the other way around.”  
“Seriously man, don’t tell me you’re feeling bad about the mission going bad. You know it’s like, not your fault right? Like how were any of us supposed to know Sasuke was just gonna blow the whole village off like that? If I’m pissed at anyone it’s him, not you.”  
Kiba was so close to hitting the nail on the head, and it made Shikamaru want to spill everything. As much as he believed that talking too much about his emotions without having been asked was annoying and useless, maybe this time thinking aloud would help him reach past his fog. Kiba would understand this, right?   
“I don’t-- It’s not just that the mission failed, I mean who knows what Sasuke was thinking, eh? It’s more like-- I can’t shake this sense of responsibility for all of you guys ending up getting so fucked up out there. It’s on me, I shouldn’t have been so fatalistic, and now Neji, and Choji.. I don’t know. You probably don’t want to hear me sit and make a ‘better next time’ speech. Sorry this happened.”   
Kiba snorted and shook his head, totally throwing Shikamaru. Was he taking this seriously?   
“I understand where you’re coming from. I guess that’s kind of why I haven’t gotten any sleep with Akamaru like this… I just feel like its my fault. Just try not to kill yourself over it, kay? We’re all free thinkers, we made choices out there as much as you did.”  
He nodded, dragged his hands down to his knees, and pushed himself up out of the hospital chair. “Thanks, Kiba. Take good care of Akamaru, get some rest though. Don’t hesitate to send for me if you need anything while you’re in here, ok?” It was the least he could do, but Shikamaru didn’t want to keep having this conversation. He felt emotionally vulnerable as it was. Lifting a hand as a goodbye, he left the room and headed home.

\--

Home might not have been the safest choice as he was looking for somewhere where minimal people would bother him as he forced himself to stop feeling sorry for himself, but as he went through the mental checklist of places he could go, all of them felt somehow wrong. He wanted to be somewhere that he could be easily found so that he could get news about Choji as fast as possible, so all of his secret isolation spots were out of the question. He considered all of the rooftops, parks, open areas, and benches that he liked to go to think and clear his mind alike, but he was almost never there alone. Without the comforting warmth of his friend, just centimeters to his left-- always his left-- it felt hollow. It wasn’t like Choji was always there with him but it sometimes seemed like it. They could make the choice to go sit outside entirely alone but the other would almost always come walking by not long after, as if by some invisible force they were bound to be in the same place at the same time. Going there now-- he thought-- would only make him worry about his friend more. Therefore, home it was, even if it meant locking himself in his room telling his mother not to come after him, and flopping on his bed to stare at the ceiling.   
Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like being in his room helped divert his attention much. He knew that trying to make a proactive plan to make ninja squadrons more self sufficient would not only prove to the hokage that he was able to work past this failure, but it would make him feel useful again, something he didn’t realize he needed to feel until now. He would get as far as, ‘easier access to medical attention’ and ‘more medical nin’, but when he tried to work out anything too technical, like who would train them, or if it would be ninja teams of three or four, or anything of the sort, his mind would drop the whole subject and return to Choji like a homing device.   
Spaciness was far from foreign to Shikamaru. When one is painfully aware of as much as he was, letting the mind wander was a welcome form of relaxation. This was not that. When he needed to focus, he could almost always form a complete thought, even if he was stressed. Whatever was wrong with him, being trapped in the torturous vortex of his mind was worse than usual today.


End file.
